Six weeks come and gone

Tomorrow I go back to work. From the beginning I knew that I would only get 6-8 weeks but I guess this whole time I was just hoping that something would happen that would change that. Well nothing happened and six weeks have flown by and now I have to return to work. I am anything but happy about returning to work so early. I feel huge guilt that I gave Ella twelve weeks and Claire only gets six. I feel complete sadness that I wont be close to my tiny infant every hour of everyday for at least the next six weeks. I feel like a bad mother for already placing her in someone elses hands. Because no matter how much I trust that other person and know that she will truly care for my child,
no one loves and care for child like their own mother. My arms miss her even when I lay her down for an hour to nap so how am I to go a whole day? A whole week? This is time I will never get back with her and I am bitter.

This also comes at a bad time. Maybe Claire senses my stress, maybe its a growth spurt, maybe its the attempts of her to sleep in her own bed, I dont know. But I do know that her sleep has taken a turn for the worst in the last week. I had her on such a good sleep schedule of going down at 8 or 9 and her sleeping through night waking every few hours to eat and then back to sleep. The last week she struggles to go down. She is tired by 7 or 8 and falls asleep but wakes over and over and is restless til about 11. She then is restless most of night and wakes frequently. Needless to say I am exhausted, just in time for me to return to work.

Claire seems to be doing great though and I pray that she continues to do well. At her one month visit last week she was 10lbs 4oz (85th percentile). Thats over a two pound growth in five weeks! She was 50th percentile for height. She is also cooing and smiling like crazy which makes it even more difficult to leave her.

Saying tomorrow will be rough is an understatement. Ella heads off to preschool and Claire to the sitter. Time flies too fast and there is never enough to spend with my children. I feel like this marks the end of Claire being a newborn. While I know this will all be ok in the long run I want to kick and scream and yell "this isn't fair". But even that won't change anything because six weeks have come and gone.