The gift of daughters

Before I had children I did not understand why anyone would want to be a stay at home mom. I made comments about how unfulfilling that would be and what a waste of a brain to just stay at home. But like I said, that was before. It seems like everything now in life is marked by before or after children. I realize that before I had children my life was not near as fulfilling as it is now. I realize how fun before children is much different than after children. The fun I have now is rewarding, it means something. Before I was a parent I just got through the day, waiting for the next one to come and go. Now that I have children I try to quicken every second that is not spent with them and slow down every second that I am with them. After I had kids I finally understood what the song working for the weekend truly means.


All through this last maternity leave I dreaded  planned the return to work. But as the six weeks drew nearer, and the more stressed and unsatisfied I became with my current job, the less I cared about returning. Tom kept telling me "just quit, we will figure it out". Just quit? What about all the time I spent in college to get a masters degree and licensure? What about all the income we would lose? So even though at six weeks I was exhausted, depressed about leaving my children, and not at all happy about returning to work, I did it anyways.



The first week back at work I was absolutely miserable. All I could focus on was how much I missed my kids. Tom was running around like a mad man all day getting Ella to school, picking Ella up from school, getting her lunch, getting her down for nap. Three evenings a week Tom is at school and once I got home from work I was exhausted. I spent the evening running around like a mad woman making dinner, cleaning up, making bottles for the next day, getting kids clothes laid out all for me to go to work the next day and leave my kids with someone other than family. I felt myself already getting burnt out on work and all the jobs of keeping the family running in the evening. I started to think why am I spending all this time, effort, and energy on work and getting ready to go to work? At the end of the day I had nothing left to give my family. Yet they were the only ones I wanted to be with and that mean something to me yet I had nothing left to give them? Something felt completely wrong about that picture.



My job since January continued to become more stressful, with longer hours, and unreasonable expectations. Working through maternity leave completely burnt me out and several things building up made me bitter. After one week back on the job I knew that I would not be able to stay. That my place was with my children. I should be the one running Ella to school and volunteering in her classroom. Instead of pumping at my desk or in my car when I am out at trainings I should be bonding with Claire everyday with breastfeeding rather than her frantically trying to reestablish that relationship in the evening. My children deserve to wake up every morning and spend the day with the person that thinks the most of them and loves them more than anyone in the entire world.



When I was working with Ella (four days a week though) I convinced myself that I was not missing that much. That I would see her each evening and weekend and she would know I was her mother. Yet seeing how quickly the last three years have gone I want more than just knowing Im the mother and I love them. I want to be there for every first, every tear, every smile. I want to be the one that comforts my children when they are sad or hurting and the first to hear about their day at school when they jump in the car off the playground.


I recently read an article about how the "jobs" of motherhood such as cooking, cleaning, running around, laundry, etc are very tedious and not at all fun. Its about the relationship that you get from being a mother that keeps you going, that keeps you wanting another baby. You now know exactly what the little old in the grocery store meant by "enjoy every second, it goes so fast and before you know it they will be grown". I find myself even wanting to tell new moms that I see struggling in the grocery or at Target, dont worry, this too shall pass but then you will find yourself wanting those moments back. They go too fast. Thats why Ive decided to stay home. To try to take full advantage of those moments.




What happened to my career goals? My college degree? My drive to become better, make more money, get ahead? When I think about these things I think about how lucky I am to have healthy children, not everyone is that lucky. I think about the opportunity that is presented to me by staying home, not everyone is that lucky. I think of my own mother. I think of our relationship. I call her at least three times a day. If I have a dilema, a crisis, a moment of joy, or boredom she is the first person I call for praise, advice, someone to chit chat with. I can literally count on two hands the number of times she was gone on an overnight or evening out while I was growing up and I remember those instances clearly. Whether it was an event for the Woman's Club, out with friends, or another event in the community I can still remember the smell of her make up and perfume as she got ready. I also remember her and my dad kissing me goodnight each time they returned. My mother is still to this day one of the most important people to me in my life. Now I am that to my daugthers. That's pretty amazing. That is a gift.

 

Last Friday, only two weeks back on the job, I walked into my bosses office and turned in my resignation. At this point we have not decided on a last day. I am giving her some time to find a replacement. I do know though that resigning from my job was a much easier decision than returning from maternity leave. Once I walk out the doors for the last time I will not be sad nor walk away from regret. There will always be work to do and jobs to find. My girls will only be small once.