Do you ever look at your kids and think "Oh my God, I created her and she is mine"? It happens to me multiple times a day. It has since the moment I saw her face and seems to become more frequent with time. I look at her as she is focusing so hard on something and think, she is mine. I see the combination of both her father and I in her and think, she is mine. I see her humor, her tender heartedness, her amazing language skills, her carefree, friendly manner and think, she is mine. I feel the pure joy of it deep down in the depth of my soul. Watching her last night at the park play so carefree and with wild imagination, I thought, this is what life is all about and man what did I do to deserve this amazing and wonderful little human being.
I am just in awe by her. I wonder everyday how she will ever know how much I truly love her.
How do I express all these intense emotions that I have for her? And I really believe that until she has her own children, she will never know this feeling. As a side note she told us the other day that "when my kids grow up they will be a baker, a baseball kicker, and everything". Lol. Bless her heart.
I want to make sure she has everything she needs, but not too much. I want to make sure I am making the best decisions I can for her until she is able to make her own. I want to somehow preserve that amazing joy that comes with childhood; the ability to truly dance like no one is watching, to say the most funny and ridiculous things, and to love fearlessly like you have never been hurt. I want her to feel happiness and nothing else. I want her to never be afraid to take a chance, yet to somehow protect her from a cruel world. It is truly overwhelming to think all these decisions as well as her well being fall on the shoulders of her father and I.
Right now we are at a fork in the road of the decision of entering her into preschool next year or continue with Leslie. We truly could not ask for a better placement for Ella than with Leslie. Ella truly loves her and so do we. Not only does she provide a nurturing, loving environment for Ella she has also done an amazing job of incorporating Montessori principles with academic teachings. The issue we are currently facing is Ella is significantly older than the other children currently there. The next in line is 18mos with the other children being 7mos or younger. Ella LOVES older children. She seeks them out when we go out. She literally says to me on a daily basis "mommy do you like people?" yes "mommy I like kids". And she really does. The days I drop her at Leslie's she says leslie are there kids coming? Some days there are and some there are not and the days there are not she literally breaks down and cries. It breaks my heart. We would like to see her attend Montessori Academy of Cincinnati. At this point we arent sure if it will be this fall or when she turns four. She would be in class of 3-6 year olds and would be taught a wide array of academic and life skills. I know this would be an amazing placement for her. Yet at the same time I'm torn with what is best. She is loved where she is at but I know she would LOVE to be around kids her age. I cannot believe we are already to this point. Thinking of sending her off to school, packing lunches, worrying about if kids are being nice to her, etc. What happened to my tiny baby that just yesterday, yes yesterday, I was snapping pictures of her first smiles.
So for now we are happy to know we have a happy, healthy, wonderfully amazing little girl.
So Ella keep being who you are. Know that we love you no matter what and I couldn't be more proud and happy to know you're mine.
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